


『きかせたいのは』

by luciosan



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Post-Graduation, Reminiscing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-28 05:49:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10075046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luciosan/pseuds/luciosan
Summary: It took him so long to find this peace.It took him so long to find this place he was comfortable in, happy in, where he felt he belonged.It took him so long...And the idea of giving this up any time soon, alone, just hurt him.





	

It took him so long to find this peace.

It took him so long to find this place he was comfortable in, happy in, where he felt he belonged.

It took him so long...

And the idea of giving this up any time soon, alone, just hurt him.

He remembers, indifferently, the day they'd met. He remembers feeling weird, struggling to look away from the shorter male. Part of him wondered if it was because he was so strange, or because how he refused to hold the power his status held against others, how he refused to hold the regality his unit flaunted once the uniform was off. No matter how he looked at it, these feelings, the fact he can't look away... It was because this man, this person, this stranger, was weird and confusing. It had to be.

And it was.

Until they met again.

In their third year, he struggled to recognize the other; His hair had grown, his glasses framed his eyes in a way that made Kaoru feel flutters in his stomach, and his entire aura had changed. He felt more confident, more comforting, more welcoming, and Kaoru, for once, didn't know what was causing him to stare or why. All he knew, all he could recognize, was that this person was different from last. He was different, and Kaoru felt every desire to draw closer to him, to be as close to him as possible.

But he couldn't allow that.

He couldn't allow the thoughts of how Tsumugi's hands seemed smaller than most, yet rough, and how desperately he wanted to hold those hands. He couldn't allow thoughts of how Tsumugi's eyes shined when he laughed in a way that took Kaoru's breath away. No thoughts of how Tsumugi's hair looked soft, asking to be played with, or how the smile on his face emphasized how soft his lips looked. The butterflies in his stomach took flight every time the blue haired boy laughed, and Kaoru found himself listening more intently than ever before when he heard that soft voice.

He wasn't allowed those thoughts.

He wasn't allowed those feelings.

He remembers, fondly, the day he embraced them, however. He remembers a dual live between UNDEAD and Switch, a small pause between performances, the intermission, where Tsumugi wandered off, sitting silently by himself  in a quiet spot. Kaoru, himself, happened upon the bluenette by chance, struggling to ignore the boy and continue on his mission to find something to satisfy his cravings. Instead he sits, striking up a conversation with the other boy, feeling giddy and anxious, yet comfortable and calm all at once. He remembers it happening all in one moment-- Laughter and small talk turn to gentle caresses and soft kisses.

He remembers the rush he felt, the sense of belonging and only thinking about how right it felt to have this boy, this anxious, weird, mess of a boy kiss him. Through some lie he built up to protect himself, it was in that moment Kaoru's interests switched from purely girls (or, so he'll blame that moment).

He remembers the rush, the excitement, of having something so forbidden so close to him. No, they wouldn't tell anyone, no one they didn't trust with their life. They skirted behind their friend's backs, sneaking out late at night to embrace one another, finding any and all reasons to spend time together, even if other people were present too to disguise it as more than a simple date. He remembers the adrenaline of crossing each other's boundaries, of the innocent touches growing more and more, of how hard it was to not want to pull Tsumugi into him and claim his entire being, of having to hold back any and all public displays of affection off until they were alone-- and he knew Tsumugi was struggling just as hard.

He remembers the anger, the guilt, the sadness when they were found out. Just days away from graduating, just days away from being free, and there he was in a heated argument with his father. How the truth came out? He doesn't remember. But all he can recall is how desperate he was to protect Tsumugi from this man, even if his lover wasn't present. He remembers storming out, waiting until he's at their usual meet up spot-- a park table shrouded in night-- until he starts crying. There's a rustling, but he chooses to ignore it, until familiar touches land on his shoulder, arms embracing him. He cries into Tsumugi, gentle cooing making him feel like more of a child, but the loving embrace and soft touches make him feel better, loved, accepted by this man.

And in that moment that was all that matters.

Right now, he smiles, leaning against several pillows they've hoarded. A beat up van, a temporary home, they've made their own.

They left after graduation. They left to find themselves, and a place they can be accepted, or at least welcomed. They left together, reveling in the feeling of love and support they gave each other. To Kaoru, it was weird, thinking this man was everything he had needed and then some was something he never guessed would happen. He smiles, letting his head fall neatly in his boyfriend's lap as they stare out the back of the van at the stars moving ever so slowly overhead. Gentle fingers brush at his hair, sweeping them from his eyes as he feels a familiar, loving gaze on him. He sighs, as one hand reaches out to hold that hand, squeezing the fingers ever so gently as if in confirmation, as if to say "I'm here."

He doesn't know about the future.

He doesn't know where they're headed.

He doesn't know if he'll return to Rei, Adonis, and Koga, if he'll return to make money for them, for their future. He doesn't know if Tsumugi will return to Natsume and Sora. In a way, the idol life seems so far behind them, so far away, and Kaoru doesn't seem to mind if they never go back.

All he cares about is now.

All he cares about if the feelings they've giving to each other and how much better off they are, sleeping where ever they can park, watching the night sky as if looking away for one second is all it takes to wake up from this dream.

All he cares about is Tsumugi, this man he loves.

And as he closes his eyes, he thinks.

He thinks of how he's going to remember this.


End file.
